Chuck
07-01-2012, 12:27 AM
Apologies if this has been discussed already, I did a cursory search for reviews and found nothing.
Cliff's Notes... In a single word:
BRILLIANT.
I've been shopping for a new DD, and today I happened upon a dealer that had a small stock of the Coupe. There were very few on the lot, perhaps four. Two of them were John Cooper Works specials.
I must admit to an unsure opinion of the car's styling, at least at first glance. While it has a gloriously appealing shape, all the bits stuck to it, from the front valance to the odd roof, leave me feeling like I'm looking at the results of a car assembled by the points leader in an old Carmageddon tournament. It just has a bizarre sort of post-apocalyptic stain to it, but as quickly as I perceived that I forgot it. Its like a will-o-wisp, or one of those drawings that change as you get closer to it. As I walked around the car I took in all the details and they meshed in my mind. There was much more to this car than I had previously imagined, and it required a test drive.
After dragging a net through the dealership to locate the keys, we opened the car to air out the interior and I took a quick poke through it. The new car smell was identical to any recent 3er I've ever been in, and the materials were also texturally very similar, which makes it obvious that MINI is benefitting greatly from its BMW parentage, and not just in the engineering department.
Apparently, MINI dealership rules require the salesman to drive off the lot while the customer rides shotgun. I've never had this happen to me at a eurocar dealership; its the US model dealers that play that game. I didn't have the time to quibble so I went along with it. Ultimately, I was glad it happened this way as my skill level with FWD cars isn't up to my RWD experiences, therefore I wanted to see what the salesman would do with the car. After about 60 seconds in the passenger seat I was convinced that I was riding with one of the best drivers I have ever met. I could write an entire article just about the salesman. I haven't been this overshadowed by a rep since I was in my teens.
Salesguy punched the button and the car came to life with a healthy growl. At idle its very tone inspires the animal within us. It was beautiful, silky music, perfectly even and yes - throaty. It didn't sound like any 4 cylinder I'd ever heard. It was pure, with the exact right amount of volume to throw some enjoyment in the cabin without drowning out the customers.
Sales pulled out of the parking spot and ripped through the lot, twisting through the aisles before coming to the side exit. The dealership property, though situated on an immensely busy highway, is blessed with an upscale residential neighborhood behind it, veined with wide, tree-lined thoroughfares.
Sales stuck the pedal to the carpet and the car screamed down the road, picking up speed like a black hole was drawing us in. Mere feet before we reached the Event Horizon - in the form of an intersection complete with stop sign - Sales stabbed the brakes and brought us in for a landing. No tire smoke, no stripes behind us, and no squirming as it stopped. It simply dropped anchor. Clearing both ways and then flipping off the approaching vehicles with another pedal-plant, Sales took us down the road to his favorite location for our Chinese fire-drill, which was a small exclusive development on a side road.
Approaching that road he didn't simply turn - he floored it and clung to the apex like a democrat to a federal grant. Despite being a flat, nearly reverse-camber corner that actually dropped several feet in altitude, the car took it with grace. Four-footed, claws-dug-into-the-ground, cheetah grace. Finishing up his exit with an immediate 180 that looked as if it would tear down a nearby mailbox, he pulled over so we could switch. I was beginning to wonder if we had a boot full of gold behind us. After a quick glance around to see if Edward Norton was dogging us in a helicopter I got out of the car and headed to the helmsman's seat.
Unfortunately, the MINI at all trim levels is stuck with the key fob/start button nonsense that is permeating many recent car designs across the globe. Oddly, the whimsically UFO-shaped fob actually seemed "right" to me, as if my right brain was saying to my left "I know you hate it, but dammit this is the way to do it, eh?" Still, it seems ridiculous that the replacement for a key involves sticking something in the dash and then pushing a button. How much better could that possibly be than sticking a key in and turning it?
The controls all fell readily to hand, except when I couldn't pry my mitts off of what may have been the best-feeling steering wheel I've ever laid hands on. Perfect shape, perfect diameter, optimum thickness, and the highest quality animal skin I've seen outside an E92 M3. Control-wise, everything was well laid out, with the exception of the inner door releases. I found myself staring at them like an idiot the first couple of times I tried to open the doors. At first glance they look like the buttons on a public bathroom hot air dryer, so I think that I was blinded by the same emotional reaction we all have ("No towels?! How the hell do I get out of here unless someone outside comes in? FML!") It took a few tries before the proper pull reaction settled into my neurosystem. Despite this, the rest of the switchgear is sorted well. People who bitch about the vagueness of modern auto controls will have a surprise in store for them when they get in the MINI; many of the console switches are toggles with actual fences between them, just like those control panels on 60s TV shows. I half expected to see an oscilloscope on the NAV screen.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/__P1bz4ZkkRA/TR7FeXoX0lI/AAAAAAAACGw/FwOQxu0cnEM/s1600/screen-capture-4.png
"We control the horizontal.... we control the vertical!"
No oscilloscope, but if there was I wouldn't have noticed because HOLY CRAP THATS A HUGE SPEEDO! Despite a very tiny but competent digital display visible in the tach above the steering column, there was an enormous, redundant steampunk speedometer dial sitting smack in the middle of the dash. Totally incongruous and completely useless, it looks like a ships telegraph from a White Star liner. I've heard people commenting on it but I never actually saw one in person. Now, I wonder how I had not seen it from a block away. Actually I shouldn't be surprised: you can't see it because its so large it blocks your view of it. Its the fat guy who is so big he yells at himself to sit down in movie theaters.
http://i1104.photobucket.com/albums/h322/Tandberg/minidashBFC.jpg
The bloody giant gauge in the center of the dash
However, after my initial shock, I never noticed the speedo again. Like the American aboriginal natives who were unable to see the ships Columbus arrived on because they were inconceivable to their cultural mindset, my brain couldn't cope with the image and simply blocked it out. I imagine that the typical MINI owner stands before their friends yelling "What gauge?" while staring at them like they're insane.
Pulling out of the neighborhood I embarrassed myself with a ridiculously jerky takeoff bog. Evidently my last 5 years with an LS-motored GM POS spoiled me in the launch department. With over 400 lb-ft torque on tap, I've been conditioned to grab 1st at 1500 rpm or less to keep from breaking rubber. It took me a couple of tries before I could get it right. I found out later that I was driving with the "Sport" mode activated, and due to the remapped throttle the response was as spastic as my E46 M3 SMG could be with that mode enabled. I asked Sales what rpm he dropped the pedal at to get his smoooove rocket launches, and he said, "As high as you want to go". On his advice I used nearly triple my previous accelerator input and got a satisfying launch that lightly broke the tires loose. Evidently this thing has got one hell of a clutch on it. In any case, a word to prospective buyers out for a test drive: give it gas or look like a rookie.
I noticed that there was no torque steer on accleration, even past the limits of tire adhesion. None. Sales explained that JCW played some tricks with the axles to achieve that result. A few turns and some varying road surfaces cemented my opinion that the JCW is a psychically nimble and light feeling car, and as road-connected as my E36 M3 riding on Koni SA dampers.
Now, confession time here: after that ride with Salesguy, I knew I was quite a bit off his skill level, so I didn't even try. I knew what the car could do to the inner ear in the hands of a competent driver, so I focused on the intestines; I went for speed. With a proper launch, the car delivered the goods. Accompanied by an incredibly satisfying exhaust note, I watched this tiny car with a big heart wind up the dial like a reactor building up steam pressure. I wasn't slammed back in the seat, but there was this steadily increasing pressure from some invisible hand pushing me farther and farther back throughout the run.
With the car propelled thusly, reeling it in was an astonishing but simple magic trick. Following the example set by Sales, I simply waited until the last second to brake, and then counted another couple of seconds before applying the binders. The car came to a quick stop, no doubt with a healthy portion of asphalt wrinkled up underneath it like a playful child skidding to a stop on a throw rug. A few minutes with a properly sorted Coupe will make you realize that this car's limits exist fairly far outside of the average enthusiast's comfort zone. My zone is mid-Nebraska and the JCW is the Appalachians, perhaps. I have never been in a car that was so glued to the road and practically daring someone to try to scrape it off. If the road was a shoe, the JCW Coupe is the gum stuck to it on a hot day.
Despite having 400 lbs of humans in it, the car was blisteringly fast.... or perhaps only apparently so. After reviewing the tech specs on this car and finding out that it rates a 0-60 run in the fat 6+ seconds range, with a mid-80s IROC Camaro quarter mile of 14.7 seconds, I admit that enjoying the ride is really everything and acceleration numbers don't mean squat. The perceived performance comes from the weight, or lack therof. At 2700lbs, this car is so finely balanced, with the right amount of handling welded to to a perfect cockpit, and a prodigious amount of turbo oomph propelling it, that I could probably push it through a mall parking lot and still enjoy myself. There is absolutely no give in the chassis at any point. There are no rattles, no squeaks, no groans. I firmly believe that this car will be just as tight at 100k as it was on the day of purchase.
Everything that every other marque promises for your senses actually arrives at their factories in the John Cooper Works Coupe first, pisses in the potted plants in the lobby, and drives off in this car after slamming some MINI stickers on the filing cabinets. Then some marketing focus group surveys the damage and says, "No problem! Lets call engineering!". And thats how things like the Caliber and Cobalt show up on our highways.
But I digress.
As mentioned earlier, BMW owns MINI. It's quite obvious that there are Bavarian prints are all over this machine, yet it retains a certain English snotty wit that makes it unique. It attacks the road with a bugger-all attitude underlaid with a mastery of physics that makes me think it would be exactly the car Sherlock Holmes would be driving if he suddenly awoke in our time and wanted to get home from the pub. It has a working-man's toughness melded with a classic Cambridge professor's thoughtful yet manic approach to life.
Even though the actual test drive was all too brief (I've actually spent more time here at the keyboard generating superlatives and metaphors for you readers than behind the wheel of the MINI) I have not had this level of fun in quite a few years. Spiritually, this car is the successor to the first CRX Si (itself the Japanese answer to the original GTI), without the stripped-down feeling of that bygone hero. As far as test drives go, the only thing that has ever surpassed it for me was the Cayman S. At twice the JCW Coupe price, the Porsche damn well better surpass it. For half the Cayman S you can get the John Cooper Works Coupe, and get a swimming pool for your backyard with the rest. Or invest in gold. Or go steal some and make your getaway in this machine.
Overall, this is a bloody awesome car.
2012 John Cooper Works Coupe
pros: rollercoaster handling, tight ride, ample acceleration, completely rigid shell
cons: stupid start/stop button, gigantic redundant speedo in the dash, odd inner door release setup
Cliff's Notes... In a single word:
BRILLIANT.
I've been shopping for a new DD, and today I happened upon a dealer that had a small stock of the Coupe. There were very few on the lot, perhaps four. Two of them were John Cooper Works specials.
I must admit to an unsure opinion of the car's styling, at least at first glance. While it has a gloriously appealing shape, all the bits stuck to it, from the front valance to the odd roof, leave me feeling like I'm looking at the results of a car assembled by the points leader in an old Carmageddon tournament. It just has a bizarre sort of post-apocalyptic stain to it, but as quickly as I perceived that I forgot it. Its like a will-o-wisp, or one of those drawings that change as you get closer to it. As I walked around the car I took in all the details and they meshed in my mind. There was much more to this car than I had previously imagined, and it required a test drive.
After dragging a net through the dealership to locate the keys, we opened the car to air out the interior and I took a quick poke through it. The new car smell was identical to any recent 3er I've ever been in, and the materials were also texturally very similar, which makes it obvious that MINI is benefitting greatly from its BMW parentage, and not just in the engineering department.
Apparently, MINI dealership rules require the salesman to drive off the lot while the customer rides shotgun. I've never had this happen to me at a eurocar dealership; its the US model dealers that play that game. I didn't have the time to quibble so I went along with it. Ultimately, I was glad it happened this way as my skill level with FWD cars isn't up to my RWD experiences, therefore I wanted to see what the salesman would do with the car. After about 60 seconds in the passenger seat I was convinced that I was riding with one of the best drivers I have ever met. I could write an entire article just about the salesman. I haven't been this overshadowed by a rep since I was in my teens.
Salesguy punched the button and the car came to life with a healthy growl. At idle its very tone inspires the animal within us. It was beautiful, silky music, perfectly even and yes - throaty. It didn't sound like any 4 cylinder I'd ever heard. It was pure, with the exact right amount of volume to throw some enjoyment in the cabin without drowning out the customers.
Sales pulled out of the parking spot and ripped through the lot, twisting through the aisles before coming to the side exit. The dealership property, though situated on an immensely busy highway, is blessed with an upscale residential neighborhood behind it, veined with wide, tree-lined thoroughfares.
Sales stuck the pedal to the carpet and the car screamed down the road, picking up speed like a black hole was drawing us in. Mere feet before we reached the Event Horizon - in the form of an intersection complete with stop sign - Sales stabbed the brakes and brought us in for a landing. No tire smoke, no stripes behind us, and no squirming as it stopped. It simply dropped anchor. Clearing both ways and then flipping off the approaching vehicles with another pedal-plant, Sales took us down the road to his favorite location for our Chinese fire-drill, which was a small exclusive development on a side road.
Approaching that road he didn't simply turn - he floored it and clung to the apex like a democrat to a federal grant. Despite being a flat, nearly reverse-camber corner that actually dropped several feet in altitude, the car took it with grace. Four-footed, claws-dug-into-the-ground, cheetah grace. Finishing up his exit with an immediate 180 that looked as if it would tear down a nearby mailbox, he pulled over so we could switch. I was beginning to wonder if we had a boot full of gold behind us. After a quick glance around to see if Edward Norton was dogging us in a helicopter I got out of the car and headed to the helmsman's seat.
Unfortunately, the MINI at all trim levels is stuck with the key fob/start button nonsense that is permeating many recent car designs across the globe. Oddly, the whimsically UFO-shaped fob actually seemed "right" to me, as if my right brain was saying to my left "I know you hate it, but dammit this is the way to do it, eh?" Still, it seems ridiculous that the replacement for a key involves sticking something in the dash and then pushing a button. How much better could that possibly be than sticking a key in and turning it?
The controls all fell readily to hand, except when I couldn't pry my mitts off of what may have been the best-feeling steering wheel I've ever laid hands on. Perfect shape, perfect diameter, optimum thickness, and the highest quality animal skin I've seen outside an E92 M3. Control-wise, everything was well laid out, with the exception of the inner door releases. I found myself staring at them like an idiot the first couple of times I tried to open the doors. At first glance they look like the buttons on a public bathroom hot air dryer, so I think that I was blinded by the same emotional reaction we all have ("No towels?! How the hell do I get out of here unless someone outside comes in? FML!") It took a few tries before the proper pull reaction settled into my neurosystem. Despite this, the rest of the switchgear is sorted well. People who bitch about the vagueness of modern auto controls will have a surprise in store for them when they get in the MINI; many of the console switches are toggles with actual fences between them, just like those control panels on 60s TV shows. I half expected to see an oscilloscope on the NAV screen.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/__P1bz4ZkkRA/TR7FeXoX0lI/AAAAAAAACGw/FwOQxu0cnEM/s1600/screen-capture-4.png
"We control the horizontal.... we control the vertical!"
No oscilloscope, but if there was I wouldn't have noticed because HOLY CRAP THATS A HUGE SPEEDO! Despite a very tiny but competent digital display visible in the tach above the steering column, there was an enormous, redundant steampunk speedometer dial sitting smack in the middle of the dash. Totally incongruous and completely useless, it looks like a ships telegraph from a White Star liner. I've heard people commenting on it but I never actually saw one in person. Now, I wonder how I had not seen it from a block away. Actually I shouldn't be surprised: you can't see it because its so large it blocks your view of it. Its the fat guy who is so big he yells at himself to sit down in movie theaters.
http://i1104.photobucket.com/albums/h322/Tandberg/minidashBFC.jpg
The bloody giant gauge in the center of the dash
However, after my initial shock, I never noticed the speedo again. Like the American aboriginal natives who were unable to see the ships Columbus arrived on because they were inconceivable to their cultural mindset, my brain couldn't cope with the image and simply blocked it out. I imagine that the typical MINI owner stands before their friends yelling "What gauge?" while staring at them like they're insane.
Pulling out of the neighborhood I embarrassed myself with a ridiculously jerky takeoff bog. Evidently my last 5 years with an LS-motored GM POS spoiled me in the launch department. With over 400 lb-ft torque on tap, I've been conditioned to grab 1st at 1500 rpm or less to keep from breaking rubber. It took me a couple of tries before I could get it right. I found out later that I was driving with the "Sport" mode activated, and due to the remapped throttle the response was as spastic as my E46 M3 SMG could be with that mode enabled. I asked Sales what rpm he dropped the pedal at to get his smoooove rocket launches, and he said, "As high as you want to go". On his advice I used nearly triple my previous accelerator input and got a satisfying launch that lightly broke the tires loose. Evidently this thing has got one hell of a clutch on it. In any case, a word to prospective buyers out for a test drive: give it gas or look like a rookie.
I noticed that there was no torque steer on accleration, even past the limits of tire adhesion. None. Sales explained that JCW played some tricks with the axles to achieve that result. A few turns and some varying road surfaces cemented my opinion that the JCW is a psychically nimble and light feeling car, and as road-connected as my E36 M3 riding on Koni SA dampers.
Now, confession time here: after that ride with Salesguy, I knew I was quite a bit off his skill level, so I didn't even try. I knew what the car could do to the inner ear in the hands of a competent driver, so I focused on the intestines; I went for speed. With a proper launch, the car delivered the goods. Accompanied by an incredibly satisfying exhaust note, I watched this tiny car with a big heart wind up the dial like a reactor building up steam pressure. I wasn't slammed back in the seat, but there was this steadily increasing pressure from some invisible hand pushing me farther and farther back throughout the run.
With the car propelled thusly, reeling it in was an astonishing but simple magic trick. Following the example set by Sales, I simply waited until the last second to brake, and then counted another couple of seconds before applying the binders. The car came to a quick stop, no doubt with a healthy portion of asphalt wrinkled up underneath it like a playful child skidding to a stop on a throw rug. A few minutes with a properly sorted Coupe will make you realize that this car's limits exist fairly far outside of the average enthusiast's comfort zone. My zone is mid-Nebraska and the JCW is the Appalachians, perhaps. I have never been in a car that was so glued to the road and practically daring someone to try to scrape it off. If the road was a shoe, the JCW Coupe is the gum stuck to it on a hot day.
Despite having 400 lbs of humans in it, the car was blisteringly fast.... or perhaps only apparently so. After reviewing the tech specs on this car and finding out that it rates a 0-60 run in the fat 6+ seconds range, with a mid-80s IROC Camaro quarter mile of 14.7 seconds, I admit that enjoying the ride is really everything and acceleration numbers don't mean squat. The perceived performance comes from the weight, or lack therof. At 2700lbs, this car is so finely balanced, with the right amount of handling welded to to a perfect cockpit, and a prodigious amount of turbo oomph propelling it, that I could probably push it through a mall parking lot and still enjoy myself. There is absolutely no give in the chassis at any point. There are no rattles, no squeaks, no groans. I firmly believe that this car will be just as tight at 100k as it was on the day of purchase.
Everything that every other marque promises for your senses actually arrives at their factories in the John Cooper Works Coupe first, pisses in the potted plants in the lobby, and drives off in this car after slamming some MINI stickers on the filing cabinets. Then some marketing focus group surveys the damage and says, "No problem! Lets call engineering!". And thats how things like the Caliber and Cobalt show up on our highways.
But I digress.
As mentioned earlier, BMW owns MINI. It's quite obvious that there are Bavarian prints are all over this machine, yet it retains a certain English snotty wit that makes it unique. It attacks the road with a bugger-all attitude underlaid with a mastery of physics that makes me think it would be exactly the car Sherlock Holmes would be driving if he suddenly awoke in our time and wanted to get home from the pub. It has a working-man's toughness melded with a classic Cambridge professor's thoughtful yet manic approach to life.
Even though the actual test drive was all too brief (I've actually spent more time here at the keyboard generating superlatives and metaphors for you readers than behind the wheel of the MINI) I have not had this level of fun in quite a few years. Spiritually, this car is the successor to the first CRX Si (itself the Japanese answer to the original GTI), without the stripped-down feeling of that bygone hero. As far as test drives go, the only thing that has ever surpassed it for me was the Cayman S. At twice the JCW Coupe price, the Porsche damn well better surpass it. For half the Cayman S you can get the John Cooper Works Coupe, and get a swimming pool for your backyard with the rest. Or invest in gold. Or go steal some and make your getaway in this machine.
Overall, this is a bloody awesome car.
2012 John Cooper Works Coupe
pros: rollercoaster handling, tight ride, ample acceleration, completely rigid shell
cons: stupid start/stop button, gigantic redundant speedo in the dash, odd inner door release setup